A new year means a lot of things for a lot of people. Resolutions are written, promises are made and things are said, even if just to oneself: lose weight, call more, curse less, be better.
But those fade. Trips to the gym slow, forgetfulness overrules picking up the phone, slips of the tongue prompt abandonment of that fucking plan, and sometimes, being better just falls by the wayside in lieu of just being you.
Even in the first three weeks, 2011 has brought me a lot of great things, all with the common thread of scaring the shit of out me:
My final semester just started, including, most notably, the great time suck of my senior capstone that will culminate everything I’ve learned since I got to the journalism school.
I probably don’t want to use what I’ve spent my last four years studying to further my career, at least not directly. Let’s reconcile that one.
I am now 112 days away from graduating, which means I am 114 days away from needing a job and 110 days away from needing a home. Give or take.
I’m talking “future” and participating in real-life “extracurriculars” and saying yes to responsibilities I only assume I can tackle.
I fell in love. (Hi, mom. Hi, Des Moines.) And seriously? If making yourself vulnerable to a person has never scared you before, you’re doing it wrong.
I don’t do resolutions, but I’m no stranger to fear. These things — these exciting, amazing, life-changing things — aren’t going away. I don’t want them to. My schedule is as full as it’s ever been and I’m happier than I’ve been for a long time. John said to me last night that when I get scared, I don’t back away but move in closer. And I guess that is what’s happening. I’m scared but I’m thriving.
I feel sorry for Ben Gibbard when he said the new year didn’t make him feel any different. I feel like a new person. If fear is what it takes, keep it coming.
How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it. — Judy Blume
Hey, life. Don’t come to me. I’ll come to you.